Battered Academic Disorder is a chronic and debilitating condition that afflicts numerous scholars worldwide. Known as BAD in Europe and North America, it goes by Unappreciated Wallflower Syndrome (UWS) in Australia. If you believe that you or someone you love has UWS, don’t suffer in silence. There are treatments that can help.

Ask your doctor about Dissentia. This newly approved medication is part of pioneering class of new drugs called Selective Managerialism Reabsorption Inhibitors (SMRI). Pop one of these pills when you next receive the DVC’s Policy Update and within seconds you will be immunised against the neurological effects of management-think.

In order to determine whether you could benefit from Dissentia, complete the following questionnaire.

If you score 30 or above, please seek professional help immediately. Or, you could simply find another job.

Please answer the following questions by deciding to what extent each item is characteristic of your feelings and behavior. Fill in the blank next to each item by choosing a number from this scale:

1 = very uncharacteristic or untrue, strongly disagree 2 = uncharacteristic 3 = neutral 4 = characteristic 5 = very characteristic or true, strongly agree

1. ___ I often think that I must be guilty of committing some unknown but horrible crime in a past life and my punishment is teaching at UWS.

2. ___ I often believe that UWS managers are omnipresent and omniscient and are reading my personal emails, even when I am off campus.

3. ___ I often willingly assume extra teaching and administrative responsibilities in order that my workload spread sheet exceeds 100% in the belief that my diligence will be rewarded.

4. ___ I comply without questioning the dictates of management and encourage others to do the same because I believe it will lead to generous pay rises in the future.

5. ___ I sing the praises of the iPad initiative every chance I get because I believe that my enthusiasm will be rewarded (give yourself 6 for this answer if you literally sing and dance).

6. ___ I frequently dismiss and even mock colleagues who think they can change UWS for the better, as impractical and naive.

7. ___ I oppose motions and other statements of dissent that colleagues draft, on the pretext that I disagree with the wording, when in fact I am deeply afraid of the consequences of signing.

8. ___ I tell myself that I should just be happy to have a job, despite the insanity of my workplace.

9. ___ I repeatedly tell myself that all universities are equally insane, even though colleagues elsewhere assure me otherwise.

10. ____ I stay silent about bad management decisions, but am happy to send “reply-all”  congratulatory emails colleagues in response to birth announcements, staff birthdays, university awards etc. This makes me feel “engaged.”

11. ___ I am outspoken and indignant about the injustices of the world but remain absolutely mute on institutional politics .

12. ___ I experience traumatic flashbacks at the mere sight of messages in my email inbox from specific colleagues or administrators due to past bad experiences.

13. ___ I find myself wasting untold numbers of hours inventing silly acronyms representing entirely fictitious syndromes because it’s the only thing keeping me from going insane.