Here at the looneyversity, Barney, we pride ourselves on customer satisfaction. From the moment our students  set foot on campus no effort is spared in delivering the ultimate higher education experience. Our contended staff radiate a unique happy-slappy bonhomie. ‘Would you like fries with your Ipad?’ and ‘Have a nice day!’ roll off their tongues like honey from a spoon.

We are anxious, Barney, that our students know how much we appreciate their efforts. A gold star and a smily-face sticker for every good essay. Ten out of ten for effort! Good work, well done you! For here at the looneyversity we don’t believe in harsh words or negative talk. We believe in reciprocity. They work hard and we praise them. We praise them and they praise us. Just check out the Rate-Ur-Uni website, Barney. They love us and we love them. None of our competitors can match our ratings.

In our bright hi-tech learning spaces we see ourselves not so much as educators as content providers; purveyors of infotainment. All that chalk and talk is soooooo twentieth century. The looneyversity has embraced the cutting-edge methods of teaching and learning. We insist that our academics become proficient in at least one discipline of the performing arts. This semester there are workshops scheduled in musical theatre, stand-up comedy and contemporary dance catering for both beginners and experts. Next year we are extending our in-service intensives to include face-painting, advanced gaming and fire juggling. With such a variety of skills at our disposal, Barney, it’s no wonder our students are so satisfied

And don’t listen to the naysayers and poppy-loppers, Barn. Just last week that old grump from Melbourne, Simon Marginson, wrote in the Australian: The [rest of the world] is increasing participation [in higher education] and increasing spending. We are just increasing participation. This suggests we have a quality problem. Not here Barney. Definitely not here. No way dude.