Dear Sir/Madam,
I was recently made aware that there will soon be a job opening at the highest levels of UWS Incorporated, and I am writing therefore to formally apply for the position of Vice-Chancellor. My strategic vision for the future of UWS involves a bold, innovative, A-star, world-class set of initiatives that I am confident will excite you. In short, my idea is to turn UWS into a university. I warned you it was bold! From our current state, this will require some radical changes.  Here are just a few of the strategic moves I would make if I am appointed to Vice-Chancellor:
1) taking my cue from the Chancellor himself, I would appoint a “Red Tape Task Force” that would commit to removing 100% of the unnecessary paperwork at UWS. I anticipate a 100% increase in academic productivity from this, but these are only rough estimates.
2) This move would also free up many professional staff to support academics in their teaching and research. Instead of wrapping academics up the in red tape that senior managers have manufactured – risk management, unnecessary and unread paper trails, complying with ridiculous policies – they would actually help relieve them of the nonsense that currently occupies most of their time! If a form needed filling out, they would fill it out for the lecturer! If a reader needed copying, they would do the copying! If desk copies needed ordering, they would order them! Lecturers would then be freed up to do things appropriate to their pay grades and qualifications – to teach and research. From this, I expect an additional 900% increase in academic productivity! And the money saved from cutting red tape would also allow the university to recruit more lecturers. Just having this new academic army around the place would go a long way towards making UWS look like a university. It would also allow us to increase (not decrease) unit offerings, and to restore the 2-hour tutorial. In this way, our students might actually get an education, not just a worthless credential.
3) The third prong of my vision is to nix the iPad fiasco immediately. Don’t get me wrong, I would still bribe students into enrolling. We’re still UWS after all! But I would bribe them differently. Instead of buying them iPads, I’d buy them books. That’s right, $500 worth of free books for every new student! Notice the message this would send: UWS wants its students to learn things from books. We understand that many of our students enter university without the same respect for books to be found in generations past. We also understand that multi-platform devices like iPads present too much opportunity for distraction. If our students are to become critical thinkers and better writers, they need to develop into more attentive readers. They won’t do that updating their Facebook status during lecture. They won’t do that playing Angry Birds in tutorials. They won’t do that IM-ing when they should be reading. But if we equip them with books instead, there is a chance that we will achieve the true purpose of university, that is, to teach young people how to think for themselves.
These are the key points of my strategic vision, and I thank you for letting me throw my hat into the ring for what will no doubt be an extremely competitive recruitment process. I admit my credentials may be unconventional. Clearly, I am a somewhat old-fashioned academic who thinks the U in UWS should stand for University. I’m not sure what it stands for now actually? Thank you for considering my application. I am available for interview any time, but if you could send me the questions in advance, that would be much appreciated.
Agent Smith