From Nerdy McNerd

Dear Granting Agency,

I thank you very much for your consideration of my grant application, the wonderfully positive feedback on the project proposal, and your offer of several tens of thousands of dollars to do the work with. I regret to write to decline your kind offer as I’ve just had my workload dispute “resolved” and my new research allocation is only large enough to write the ethics application and submit a request through our micromanaged finance system, leaving no actual time to do the research. I would be happy to do the research in my spare time, because, let’s be honest, we’re all nerds here at the looneyversity, but it turns out that my spare time is taken up with lecture preparation because management thinks that it takes half the time to prepare for teaching than it actually does.
The undergrads that knock on my door on a weekly basis looking for projects to help out on will be terribly disappointed, but management does not even recognise that this happens so they surely won’t register this additional loss. No worries, just send those research funds to a sandstone university where apparently the privileged students go to get more privileged. It’s all about balancing the books on paper sales over here; degree papers that is.
But I digress. Please put this research funding to good use at a university, not a looneyversity, and please also consider funding me again should I ever emerge from this pit of paperwork.
Thanks for your consideration,
Nerdy McNerd
Overqualified Lecturer of Playskool
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