[Oh I don’t know… . It just screams for satire, doesn’t it just? JD’oh]

Dear New Student,

May I be the first to congratulate you on being offered a place at the Looneyversity. You can be proud to be among the select few to be granted entry to the manicured lawns and hallowed halls of our august institution. We are very much looking forward to meeting you on Enrollment Day and the Chancellor Gerrt Oldsheep will be there to greet you in person at the historic Parramatta campus (parking permit required).

Next you will meet Acting Assistant Deputy Pro Vice Chancellor (Engagement and Entertainment) Mary Lee Middlebrow and presented with your complementary I-Pad 24 – complete with UWS Policy Bulletin App. We will then show you to your seat in the fabulous, newly refurbished Ian and Nancy Turbott Auditorium for a full day of ‘edutainment’. Professor Jimmy Avatar, recent recipient of the Greatest Teacher in the Universe Award, will be your MC for the occasion. Jimmy will conduct some warm up exercises before leading you through a kaleidoscope tour of the wonderful world of the on-line teaching and learning. Using a variety of platforms ( including Third Life, World of Witchcraft, Sim Uni) he will acquaint you with the basics of the fifth generation Digital Pedagogue software package (pre-loaded on your I-Pad), a indispensable tool in your learning experience. You will then enjoy a Skype conversation with your ‘virtual mentor’, one of the faculty members based in our offshore facilities in China, Nigeria and India.  These people will be your ever-present companions and guides in the journey through higher education.

For lunch UWS Connect will offer a banquet of gourmet sandwiches and sparkling wine and our long-serving Most Excellent Esteemed Deputy Vice Chancellor Dame Sharan Hodwink will mingle with the guests. In the afternoon you will be given the chance to pose questions to our wonderful team of world class university managers on the policies and procedures of the looneyversity, after which an informal gathering of new students will take place on the lawns in front of the Female Orphan School.

This will complete your on-campus experience for the semester but be assured, you will be provided with the very best of on-line support from our dedicated team as you work your way through your courses. Good luck in all your endeavours.

My Very Best Wishes

Professor Jeeni Rancid

Vice Chancellor,

The Looneyversity