From KPI Guild (eds: this one is seriously angry!)Image
Key indicators of your performance….. Jan
Let me start with a disclaimer. I am not a number cruncher and needless to say I won’t be embarking upon an economics degree at UWS anytime soon *sarcasm intended*. I am a PhD student and was a tutor (narrow your search much? Given that UWS has some of the highest casual ‘exploitation’ numbers in the country – I doubt it. I could be anyone). Jokes aside, it doesn’t take a number cruncher to know that the numbers just don’t add up. Here’s why.
It is reported that our VC Janice Reid earns in the vicinity of $750k and has a personal driver. Yet, she would see that a large number of staff across the university are ‘asked’ to retire. Anyone versed in moral etiquette would know that ‘asking’ people to give up their job so that Jan can pinch a few pennies is a bit of a stretch.  I am sure she feels very bad about having to make this decision. Don’t you Jan? …. Jan?  
If Jan is really tasked with a job that is remunerated at a figure significantly higher than our PM – well … I have a few questions …
Last time I checked, though as I said earlier, I am no number cruncher, the university was in debt. Did you fulfil all of your KPIs this year Jan? If running our company into debt, systematically destroying our product and then sacking all of the staff who deliver it – while still managing to sustain your own $750k income is included in your KPIs then you have surely outdone yourself. Well done. No need to worry Jan, they don’t have KPIs that measure integrity.
The degree-as-commodity and student-as-consumer model seems to work well when you want it to Jan. When the products are selling, students are the consumers who economically justify your decisions. But what happens when your customers are no longer satisfied with the products Jan?  We are no longer customers of the university (of course that would imply that we have the right to complain). Instead we are the small students – disciplined and docile bodies only able to act within the limits of the panopticon-cum-looneyversity. How convenient for you Jan.
Jan. Are you listening? Someone has made poor moral judgements. Was it you? Jan? Yes. I call bullshit. And I hold you, Jan, accountable. Dare you say ‘but I am only doing my job.’ I ask … Are you though????? Are you really???? Jan???
In an article from the Sydney Morning Herald dated December 7th, 2012, UWS was ranked ‘below world standard,’ scoring a 2.9 which is significantly lower than the next highest ranked university at 3.5.  
$750k Jan.
It’s one thing that you have managed to lead the university into (what you argue) is significant deficit. But how on earth have you led us to the point where we are now also ranked ‘BELOW WORLD STANDARD’????!!??!!??  Just doing your job huh Jan? I think not.
Well Jan, now I am starting to get angry.
If the products aren’t selling, then surely it makes sense (to you Jan) to get rid of them. Save you a few bucks – won’t it Jan? Cutting subjects, cutting degrees, cutting staff, Jan, can’t you see? It might save you a buck short term – help you sustain that $750k. But long term it won’t bolster the ‘bums on seats’ that the looneyversity has come to see as the measure for a successful business which somehow gets translated into a successful education (I warned you I wasn’t a number cruncher!). Does that concern you at all Jan? A university that lacks subject diversity, a university that lacks quality staff, a university that treats its students as customers when it suits and a university that is ranked below world standard won’t lead you to the financial growth that you so desire. It won’t Jan. Any good businesswoman knows that a good product is at the foundation of any good business. And, in order to deliver a good product, you need good people to help you do it. Once you have those two things the seats will be filled by bums and your pockets will be jingling louder than Santa’s jingle bells. That’s what motivates you isn’t it Jan? Full pockets?
Jan, we want some answers. If you’re attempting to run the university like a business I am afraid you have failed. Jan, we’re in debt. Worse still, if you’re trying to run the looneyversity like it’s a university, a place of learning, then you’ve failed there too. We aren’t satisfied Jan.
Seven. Hundred. And. Fifty. Thousand. Dollars. JAN.

The KPI Guild.